Who Am I?
by crimson gates of paradise
Summary: Three demented spirits, one overworked CEO, two sick writers, cinnamon tea, gameshows, lots of randomness, lots of OOCness and the question: Who am I?
1. Coffeetime part 1: Introduction

**Coffeetime Part 1: Introduction**

**_I_****_nfo:_**

**whoever says/does something:  
**_/actions/  
__thoughts_  
(some useless comments the writers considered necessary)  
**(some other useless comments the writers considered necessary)**  
announcements

Just to avoid any misunderstandings: In this story we'll call:

Yami Marik: Yami Marik/Marik  
Yami Bakura: Yami Bakura/Bakura

There won't be any hikaris in this. Or at least they won't play a big part… So don't get confused if Bakura zaps someone to the shadow realm… It doesn't mean Ryou got psycho. It just means the writers were to lazy to type the yami part. :P

Next thing is an introduction of how we came up with this fic. You can read it if you want, but it's not that necessary. It's just another proof of our sanity. :)

* * *

Before you read this story I want to give a little introduction. 

Once upon a time there were:

1) Jessica  
2) Boredom  
3) Cinnamon tea  
4) Pancake syrup  
5) A dear friend named Esther to listen

Does it make any sense yet? No? Didn't think so…  
Well, as you all know: School and homework are boring most of the time. If not, then you're lucky. Anyhow, I, Jessica was bored and felt like some tea. We had cinnamon, my favorite. I needed something to sweeten it with (nobody was home and my mother doesn't want that I sweeten my tea, I now know why). We had some pancake syrup and I thought that it was better than nothing. Actually it tasted quite good. So I told Esther about it. Her first reaction: Syrup? And you really drink that?

When I went over to her house a couple days later I discovered she was already drinking tea with syrup after I told her v.v'. And Esther sure knows how to drink tea. She brought some sugar and even some honey (which was great to use considering the last time I used it someone forgot to close the top properly and our kitchen flour had honey all over). So…we kept adding stuff to our tea… in the combination with cookies you might get a bit hyper…

But what had that got to do with this story? EVERYTHING!

E and I msn a lot and I said her I was going to get myself some of "our" tea. I did this by saying: "tea…teaaaaaatiiiiime" between musical notes. It reminded my of a show called coffeetime that used to be on the Dutch television. It was a show meant for young housewives but people from 35 -50 watched it. It was sometimes entertaining. Well anyways, I thought it would be funny to have the yugioh cast there. So we got started with it and we've written a lot. The ending is far from in sight. On our class ski trip Esther and I wrote something in the bus that we wanna do after this part or maybe put up as a different fic. We have many, many more ideas for this and still feel like writing them. Hope you enjoy.

_/Esther read it and (again) feels like adding to it/ _

This coffeetime story ended up to be (as Jessica said) only the beginning of something huge. That something huge is inspired on another ex-programme named Who am I? Considering the fact that the yamis were in it, it was a gameshow and we're just sick minded… It now is over 100 word-pages big _/sweat drops/ _Actually this first chapter is one, big intro (same goes for the second).

And as my partner in crime just said: Enjoy :)

* * *

Once, on a rainy, boring day, some random guy with a wrong kind of baseball cap walked on stage of studio 13. 

"Ladies and gentlemen… Welcome to our coffeetime set… We'll start in 5…4…3…"

Suddenly the guy dissolved in a flash of light.

A voice from somewhere behind the set started screaming. "YOU STUPID BAKA!"

All people in the set looked at a piece of décor that had to represent some sort of a palm tree. A very suspicious looking palm tree. That because it was purple. Ever seen a purple palm tree? No?

Well, that's okay, because it wasn't really a palm tree. It was actually a bored, bad tempered yami, holding a golden magic wand thingy that looked like it once belonged to Batman. Yeah, people… Meet Yami Marik!

The person producing the screaming, was a girl with curly, long, brown hair that looked if she just had been in a tornado. She wore a long (mind this word… it's supposed to be emphasized… like ankle long), black skirt, some black with white halter top and a black trenchcoat. Why the coat? Because some other person who I won't mention here (right, _Jessica_?) decided to put it in the story at one point… That person probably forgot they were inside. Another fact… She was about 5"6 Meaning that the palm tree was about a head bigger than her (Leaves not included).

Anyways… She was screaming at the purple case.

"YOU STUPID BAKA! You promised you wouldn't zap any people to the shadowrealm today!"

The palm tree seemed very annoyed.

"What did you want me to do, then… stab him?" it asked.

The tornado girl (by the way named Esther **(Esther: jup that's me:D)**) sighed. "No… Just remember that there's no show without the show making people whose names I've forgotten… SO NO ZAPPING!"

The palm tree raised the Batman stick which started glowing. "Just try to stop me!"

Esther blinked innocently. "If you go zap me to the shadowrealm, stab me or make me a mind slave, I will make you dance the swan lake in a pink tutu."

Yami Marik folded his arms. "And how are you supposed to do that?"

"Easy! I'm a writer!" Esther said cheerfully.

Yami Marik cursed something that won't be mentioned here to avoid scaring people off and turned around.

Just at that moment another girl, named Jessica, came walking in view. She was two inches taller than the first one (for all people with amnesia: named Esther), had, straight, blond hair (shoulder length), wore a blue, fluffy (very fluffy… sheepish fluffy) sweater, jeans and something like a vest/trenchcoat thingy made out off that stuff where they also make jeans out **(nice when English isn't your first language, ne?)**… She also wore boots and stuff… Not really important. What was important was that her mood wasn't too good at the moment.

"What are you two doing here? The show is about to start! Where's that guy with the ugly baseball cap?"

Esther threw Yami Marik a certain 'look'.

Yami Marik glared at Esther.

Jessica combined the 'look' with the 'glare' and with the fact that Marik held the sennen rod in his hand and concluded that now would be a good time to go PMS. She became red and started jumping up and down while giving the palm tree and her partner in crime look #746.

"WHAT? No, don't tell me that he… You know how much time it cost me to find someone who wanted to do the count down? After they heard what happened to the other eight, they all suddenly ran off! Why? WHY?"

Yami Marik shrugged. "Not that he was important or something… You could just leave the count down out."

Esther smiled. "You know… That doesn't sound too bad at all!"

"Yeah… That could be a plan!" Jessica said, happy and cheerful in a flash.

Marik went backstage muttering something about stupid mortals with missing brain cells.

Jessica and Esther followed not too far behind.

All people on the set now concentrated on a stage where a couple of big bumpered ladies were chanting a song:

"COFFEEEEEE COFFEETIIIIME!"

All lights went out and some creepy, mysterious kind of voice with lots of echo effects started saying something which no one could understand. Then someone got the brilliant idea to shut the echo off.

"LLLLadies and gentlemen… WWELCOME TOOOOO…. COFFEETIME! And here are your presenters for tonight…. HANS! …and… MIREILLE"

(backstage, Jessica and Esther started chuckling. Heheheh _/evil look/ _Just _try_ to pronounce!)

All lights went on and the Coffeetime set became visible.

Mireille sat on a couch and showed the world her perfect smile. "Thank you… thank you… (no one was applauding) Welcome, welcome to coffeetime! Tonight we've got some special guests! Let me introduce to you: Yami Marik and Yami Bakura!"

A silence could be heard rampaging over the set.

Esther satherself on another couch and looked at Bakura sitting next to her. "Don't forget to chain down the porcelain, Mireille…"

Mireille pretended she didn't heard that and cast her smile at a purple palm tree. "So, how do you like your coffee?"

She didn't wait for the response, but instantly dumped half of the sugar bowl in Mariks one centiliter cup.

Esther sweat dropped at the sight and sound of Mireille. She decided she didn't like this woman. "What is she doing here anyway?" she muttered, while pushing her out of the window. (the set was on the 13th floor of studio 13) She heard a satisfying _thump_ and sat back down on the couch with her most innocent expression. "You people got any honey in here?"

Someone in a blue fluffy sweater sat down the sofa and noticed a jar stuffed with something yellow. In an instant Jessica passed the honey on while trying not to spill it. Mireille's overbleached teeth had blinded her, and although Mireille was out of sight all of a sudden, the blinding effect still lasted.

In the meantime, Hans was busy gesturing Yami Marik to cross his legs.

As a response, Yami Marik stuffed the sennen rod in poor, poor Hans' head. He threw the rest of the room his famous look of danger. "THE HONEY PLEASE!"

Jessica –still blind- got the honey from Esther and practically threw it to Yami Marik, which caused the sticky goo to drop out of the pot and land on everyone in its path.

Hans took this chance to start a question attack on Yami Bakura.

Esther saw Hans performing his question attack with the sennen rod still sticking into his head and burst out in laughter. (lets assume it looked funny as hell (is hell actually funny? Anyone knows? Anyone here been to hell?))

"Hans, every time I try to water the rose bush in my garden it runs off screaming… What should I do?" Yami Bakura asked sadly.

Hans casually continued the question attack with the sennen rod in his head like it was the most normal thing that could ever happen. "Yeah? Maybe you should eat some sugar. It'll make you sweeter and maybe the plants will like you then!" He started to laugh hysterically, thinking his joke was funny as seeing men doing the lambada on a donkey with only 3 legs. Not that anyone would even consider that funny…

Everyone else was forced to sweat drop.

"Ring Ring," said the doorbell.

Esther jumped up. "I'll get that!" She opened the door and nearly got ran over by Tea and Yugi who looked like they were in great shock.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she yelped.

"I wouldn't go out there if I were you… It's raining hysterical women!" Yugi explained.

Meanwhile, Jessica was sniffing pancake syrup (for some dark, unknown reason) and got very, very happy, until she saw Yugi and Tea standing in the doorway.

She freaked out and accidentally aimed the syrup at a certain purple palm tree. (though she could see clearly now)

The palm tree was less happy with this and tried desperately to wipe his face with a tablecloth. He then stood behind Yami Bakura and Hans in order to hear what they were saying.

Jessica was also listening, like any other normal, sane and good girl would do. Suddenly she felt raindrops.

Raindrops?  
Yeah, raindrops.  
And not just ordinary raindrops.  
Hot raindrops.  
Brown raindrops.  
And they tasted like coffee.  
She turned around and saw Yami Marik quickly hiding the coffeepot behind his back (upside down).

Meanwhile at the front door, Esther felt something wet. She looked down and saw a spreading puddle of coffee with herself happening to stand in it.

_AH GROSS! MY FEET ARE SOAKED!_

Suddenly a brilliant idea popped up in her head.

"Well, Yugi, Tea, as you can see it's quite the chaos in here (_/dodges flying coffeepot/_) so…"

Yugi curiously attempted to look past her into the studio.

Inside, Jessica left the palm tree for what it was and went backstage to look for a fire hose. (so she could clean herself from the coffee)

Hans and Yami Bakura were still performing their question attack. (if Marik would defeat Yami in battle, take his puzzle, become pharaoh, make the whole world his mind slave and take the milky way down with him in the process… they probably still wouldn't notice)

"What would you prefer," asked Hans, "To prune the plants in your garden, or to drink a little rosé in a bath robe with all kinds of beautiful ladies around you?"

Bakura was in deep thought. "Well… The plants keep on running away _/sob sob/_ so I can never prune them…" He suddenly got engulfed in a gigantic crying fit and Hans had to somehow dry his sea of tears.

Esther was at the same time trying to prevent Yugi from seeing all of this and tried to keep standing in front of him, but he just kept jumping around to look past her, resulting in some kind of tribal dance.

"Maybe it's just better if you two go home…" she tried.

"But that's impossible!" Tea screeched. "The whole street is blocked by police cars, ambulances and people from the FBI!"

Esther stopped dancing. "What's that for?"

Yugi didn't notice Esther stopped and kept on hopping around. "You see," he said while hopping. "Some poor woman seems to have dropped from the window on this floor."

Esther suddenly got this weird, nervous feeling. "Uhm… well… but you can't…"

Yugi and Tea already went inside.

_/FLASH/_

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?" It was Yami Yugi's Schwarzenegger voice.

"Shit!" Esther sweat dropped.

Jessica finally found what she had been looking for. She grabbed the nearest fire hose and dragged it all the way to the set so she wouldn't miss any of the events happening, but when she turned it on, she lost all control.

The thick ray of water sprayed all over the room and directly at Tea who was (un)fortunately standing right in front of an open window. (a soft thump could be heard ten seconds after)

In the meantime the whole studio got hosed with water and the settings were flying all over the place.

Esther was one of the many people in the fire range and nearly got knocked over by the enormous ray of water. Luckily she managed to remain (almost) standing by grabbing a big pineapple.

BUT…

The pineapple was actually not a pineapple.

It was Yami Yugis head.

Do we need to say that the particular piece of fruit wasn't too happy with that?  
Do we need to say that water doesn't make a good combo with hairgel?  
Do we need to say that it made the pineapple look like a real sad carrot?

Guess not, but we still did…

Jessica was, totally soaked, trying to grab a hold of the hose to shut it off, but slipped on all the water. She desperately tried to stay on her feet and decided, just like Esther, to cling on to something. Too bad that it didn't have the same, rescuing effect. She immediately fell down again, taking the object with her.

She looked up and saw someone's underpants/shorts/skirt.

Sightseeing wasn't on of her favorite activities so she glanced over to her hands and discovered she was holding some strange type of jeans.

"Oops."

Esther finally let go of Yami the carrot and tried not to slip and fall flat on her ass. The wet floor wasn't much of a help. Fortunately someone managed to shut the hose off.

That someone was Seto Kaiba.

He held the hose in his hands and sent the whole scene of drenched, fallen and stupid people one of his famous 'looks'.

The look finally reached Jessica and the guy-without-jeans. The many braincells in his balloon shaped head came to a final conclusion.

He somehow stayed emotionless.

"Can someone tell me what this nonsense is all about?"

Jessica quickly let go of the jeans and tried to look the person, whose sensitive side she just revealed, straight into the face.

The whole corner of the set where the guy-without-jeans just stood, was suddenly covered in a dark, gloomy mist. Only his silhouette and two red, shiny eyes were visible.

Jessica panicked. She quickly looked around for help and her eyes fell on Kaiba.

_Yippee! I just flooded the set, pulled someone's pants down and look who's there to brighten up my day? Of course… Sir Seto "Sunshine" Kaiba!_

The dark gloom got noticed by Esther and she knew that danger was upon the world.

"You baka… Shouldn't it be wise to give the guy his jeans ba…"

She suddenly felt a cold shiver working its way up her spine.

* * *

**Esther:** Hehe >:) Cliffhanger >:)  
This was it for now, hope you enjoyed :)  
Oh and if you don't mind... Jessica will take over from here on cuz I have to run from the FBI, bye bye! _/gets chased by about twenty agents/_

**Jessica: **_watches as E gets trown against a car with some dog drooling all over her behind to see if she's got any drugs/_ Okay :D. This was the first part of the introduction... The next part will be up after reviews. After chapter 2 the real story begins, and there it will get better.  
And... We don't own yugioh, coffeetime, who am I or any hosts... But... _/evil look/_ We do own ourselves and the guy with the ugly baseball cap.

**Esther: **LET ME GO! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO PAY! _/gets dragged away by the FBI/_


	2. Coffeetime part 2: Moving on to better t...

**Coffeetime Part 2: Moving on to better things**

**_Info:_**

**whoever says/does something:  
**_/actions/  
thoughts_  
(some useless comments the writers considered necessary)  
**(some other useless comments the writers considered necessary)**  
announcements

First we wanna thank and honour all of you who have read and reviewed our story. We love receiving reviews! To all of you who've read the story but were to lazy to review: I hope you liked it and would you please send in a message this time/desperate voice/

Second: Sorry for not updating in the longest time. School has been unbelievably unreasonable and with the removal of "Facing the elements" our account was blocked for a week /growl/. Well, to all of you who do read this story at the moment: Enjoy!

* * *

**Recap:**

_What happened last time: _

Jessica flooded the set and was almost wetting her jeans thanks to some jeans, Yami Yugi became a carrot, Seto Kaiba marched in happy as ever, Yami Bakura and Yami Marik were in desperate need for a straitjacket and Esther was trying to keep the damage to a minimum with no hosts in sight.

Will Esther succeed? Read on and find out!

* * *

_Yippee! I just flooded the set, pulled someone's pants down and look who's there to brighten up my day? Of course… Sir Seto "Sunshine" Kaiba! _

The dark gloom got noticed by Esther and she knew that danger was upon the world.

"You baka… Shouldn't it be wise to give the guy his jeans ba…"

She suddenly felt a cold shiver working its way up her spine.

* * *

The shiver was caused by a hysterical Yami, clutching tightly onto her arm. 

"MIRROR! Give me a mirror!" The poor ex-pineapple was almost in tears.

Esther pulled up an eyebrow and angled a mirror from her pocket. She handed it over.

Yami snatched it away and studied his carrot haircut. Of course, as every yami with non-spiky hair would do, he freaked out and hid behind a décor piece to cry.

Promptly, Jessica walked away from the person who she just publicly (means in front of the whole country) had embarrassed and she tried to overlook the flooded chaos.

"Lets see," she said to herself. "First we have to get this studio dry again and something tells me that a hairdryer won't be enough."

She tried to convince someone of the crew to get her a megasized stove, but that person told her it wasn't part of his contract. She sighed and tried to get some other people to clean the mess. This meant she handed the unoccupied Esther a mop.

Esther, as the kind and caring person she was, is and will be forever, blew Jessica's illusion of ever helping her and just leaned on the thing, talking to Marik and Bakura.

In the end Jessica got the ridiculous idea that Kaiba might be of some help and threw him a bucket of soapsuds. For two reasons this plan wasn't as bright as it had seemed.

1) The fact she forgot to warn Kaiba for flying buckets and he got the thing thrown at the back of his head.

2) The fact that the bucket flew upwards, don't ask this poor little storyteller how or why, it just did, and fell back down, landing right over the huge brain container.

At seeing this, Esther, Marik and Bakura almost died of laughter. Come on, you serious people, just try to imagine… Kaiba + magical flying bucket + soapsuds …

Jessica looked suspiciously at the whole incident.

Buckets don't fly…

At least not when _they_ aren't around.

She threw look #36 at Esther who secretly hid the control panel behind her back.

Seto Kaiba finally realized what shut the lights off and pulled the bucket from his head. Out came a little antenna. He studied it and then the rest of the bucket.

"Who put that helicopter engine in here?"

He looked up and saw look #36, aimed at:

One big, semi innocent smile.  
One big, psycho smile.  
One big, psycho, twitchy smile.

By now, the guy-without-jeans had put his jeans back on and was sneaking up on Jessica to carry out his revenge.

Suddenly everyone on the set was startled by the ding-donging of a certain intercom.

DING DONG! MAY WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? 

This is an absolutely live show and the cameras are still running!

DING DONG! END OF MESSAGE 

Seto Kaiba decided that these people were unworthy to pay any more attention to and left them standing there with their creepy smiles. He had more important things to do. Looking for the toilets and fixing his hair for example (something told him that, because of the bucket episode, he now looked less like a light bulb and more like Harry Potter stuck in a washing machine).

Jessica sighed, stopped casting look #36 and turned around to come face to face with the guy-without-no-jeans.

_EEP O.O Now might be the right time to run! _

She ran. And how! All the horses in the wild, wild, west couldn't catch up with her even if they were on dope.

Jessica looked wide eyed at the storyteller. "I'm getting some really freaky thoughts here…"

The storyteller, yeah, me, ignored her and carried on with the storytelling.

Jessica's mother always told her three things:  
1) Stay polite  
2) Eat with your mouth closed  
3) If you see someone who's out to kill you, go to the US, buy a gun and go trigger happy on him. If that's not an option, you'd better have a head start.

Marik, Bakura and Esther wiped their smiles away and looked at Jessica being chased around the set. Lets say they were more than amused. Lets say the smiles came back, bigger than ever.

Meanwhile Kaiba had reached the toilets.

_Damn, no mirrors… How the hell am I supposed to look where I'm combing?_

_/PLING/_

It was the sound of an idea plinging into his head.

_Oh, I know! I can use my reflection in the toilet! _

He bent over the toilet seat, in great satisfaction with his superior intelligence.

On the set, Jessica was still running from the guy-without-no-jeans. "HELP ME!" (and some help she could use, considering the guy-without-no-jeans was catching up. Too bad Marik, Bakura and Esther were too busy laughing their asses of to listen.)

Suddenly a sudden sound startled all someones on the set 

_/SPLASH/ _

Everyone looked in the direction of the public convenience that was only public to the studio people.

Seto Kaiba came walking out. He was even more soaked than before, but still had his famous, emotionless expression. He leaned against a pillar.

Everyone blinked, shrugged and got back to their original business.

Jessica still ran and noticed the fact of the guy-without-no-jeans catching up.

_Ok, now would be a good time to come up with a miraculous plan… _

She saw a huge fan standing in some deserted corner.

_Bingo! _

She ran up to it, turned to the jeans guy and threw him evil look. #7

"STAND STILL OR I'LL BLOW YOU OUT OF YOUR BRAINS WITH THIS EVIL SUPER FAN 3000!"

The sounds of many anime falls could be heard.

The guy-without-no-jeans just smirked and stepped forward.

Jessica turned on the fan.

The evil super fan 3000 started blowing.

The guy without no jeans felt a soft breeze stroking his hair.

"Damn the guy's still standing!" Jessica thought out loud. "Time for some heavy artillery!"

She switched the fan to hurricane mode.

The evil super fan 3000 turned on a secret jet engine, that was hidden somewhere in its back and started blowing several objects (including people) around.

Yami was still hiding when his cover got literally blown. He looked around to discover the one responsible for this. He didn't find anyone, but when he looked behind him he saw a big bulb of people (consisting of YM, YB and E) flying in his direction.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the bulb.

Yami's eyes turned to saucers.

_/CRASH/ _

At the other side of the set, Kaiba was clinging onto the pillar.

The pillar felt that someone was clinging onto him and remembered that it wasn't built for such abuse. So it decided it might be a good plan to fall down.

Kaiba felt the pillar leaning over, ready to crash down. He couldn't help his panicking, but somehow managed not to show and started climbing.

My dear listeners… It's time for me to let you all use your limited imagination. Ever seen an apathetic monkey climbing on a pillar? Yes, good… Laughing is good…

The pillar fell down.

Just at that moment we could hear a somewhat muffled and pissed of voice yelling all over the set.

"AGH! MARIK, GET OFF ME YOU PERVERTED PALM TREE!"

Marik sounded, if possible, even more muffled and pissed off.

"Don't worry, if I could choose where to land, it would _not_ be on _you_! And certainly not _under_ that pineapple-headed _pharaoh_!" He tried to get up. To his regret and our amusement, (use that imagination dear listeners) without much success.

"I'M NOT A PINEAPPLE!" Yami screamed.

"Yes you are!" said Bakura.

Yami turned some weird, suspicious shade of orange.

"GET OFF ME YOU DEMENTED TOMBROBBER!"

In the meantime Jessica finally managed to shut the fan off. "Me and technology," she muttered while throwing her beloved sledgehammer aside. She cast a melancholic look at what once was an evil super fan 3000 with hurricane mode.

Kaiba got up and wiped all the dust off his trench coat. Somehow the pillar hadn't turned him to CEO mousse. He looked around and noticed he stood on another set.

Esther felt herself getting nearly squashed by the weight of several spirits. "How much do you guys eat? GET OFF ME!" she yelled, now close to panicking.

"I'd be glad to," Yami said, "but someone, who has white hair, a police record about the size of Marik's head and very, and I mean _very _pointy elbows, refuses to get off _me_!"

"SHUT IT PHARAOH!" Bakura elbowed him in the stomach.

"AHKGH"

Yami's chameleon powers made him blend in with Marik's cloak.

"First..." Marik said, "my head isn't big... Second... you're breaking my back! And THIRD... GET OFF ME BEFORE I MAKE YOU!" He tried to throw Yami Yugi off him.

"Air... I... need... air..." Esther's face turned an unhealthy shade of blue.

Jessica stood next to the pile of people with an anime sweat drop about the size of Marik's head.

Marik hit the storyteller, yeah, me, on the head.

"My head is NOT big!" he yelled in utter embarrassment.

I ignored him as much as I could and carried on fulfilling my dear job.

For Jessica, there were two options. She could watch the amusement for a little while longer and let her friend choke (literally). She could also tell them about the new set Kaiba found, save her friend with it and have even more fun...

Decisions, decisions...

She cleared her throat. "Hey guys, Kaiba just found another set."

Marik, Bakura, Yami and Esther immediately stopped elbowing, attempting to use each other as basketballs, switching colors and choking.

"So?" they said in stereo.

Jessica's sweat drop got even bigger. "It's the set of a gameshow, has plenty of stupid people to kill or brainwash and even more people with golden watches, necklaces and bracelets waiting to be stolen… I thought you might be interested in…"

She looked up, only to discover that they already left at the word "gameshow."

She sighed.

"Oh happy day."

* * *

**Esther:** /singing/ Oh happy day… oh happy day… (hehe, sister act) 

**Jessica:** ...not really in to that, I'm afraid... Besides, isn't it time for your daily dose of Prozac or something?

**Esther:** You're confusing me with yourself, dear girl...

**Jessica:** I don't do Prozac...TOO HEAVY. Anyway... Shouldn't this be the part were we ask our dear readers /looks around in order to spot them, but sees the BIG, EMPTY, HOLLOW, space with perhaps two people instead/ to review us?

**Esther:** Whatever, reviewjunkie... Ow, you know what we have to do now? Ask people for reviews! So people... REVIEW PLEASE! or else I'm going to chase you with my biiig scythe and add your head to my collection! (already containing several teachers, bitches with too big earrings and the Easter bunny)

**Jessica:** Thanks for the help... /being totally sarcastic/ Here, take some Prozac...

**Esther:** Want me to add your head to the collection too/starts cleaning scythe/

**Jessica:** /sweat drops/ There won't be a next chapter if you don't spare me, oh almighty one /sarcasm/

**Esther:** That sounds more like it :D

**Jessica:** rrrrrrright...well, for the people who are going to review: thank you /bows for almighty readers (no sarcasm this time)/

And before we forget: Would you mind reading our story: Future memories? It was our very first fanfic, yet we received not a single review... /gets all emotional/

**Esther:** ah, poor girl... Actually... I'm very upset too... T.T

SO IF YOU DON'T! MEET THE SCYTHE/swings scythe/

/two white suits walk in the room/

**Wite suit #1:** Someone called us to pick up a luna with a scythe.

**Esther:** O.O eep/runs/

**Wite suit #2:** THERE SHE IS/follows/

**Esther:** First the FBI... Now THIS... but I'm not going to listen this time... YO! MEET MY HEADCOLLECTION/swings scythe/

**Jessica:** ... Finally figured out your birthday present: a straitjacket. Or do you think you'll be blessed with one of those in a short amount of time?

**Esther:** No worries... Birthday is fine... These guys aren't going to be able to give me anything anyway... /evil grin/

**Jessica: **/while listening to the opening of D.N. Angel(this anime has me captured! They made it so well, and the quality is unbelievable! The opening is cool and beautiful and...that wasn't what I was going to say…/sighs/)/ I think it's about time for the disclaimer…

**Esther: **We don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Coffeetime or Who Am I (Dutch versions included) or any hosts and their names. We also don't own Harry Potter or Daniel Radcliff's hairdo (Thank Ra we don't!). Now on to what we do own. /maniacal laugh/ We do own ourselves (look #7, #36 etc. included), the evil super fan 3000 and the guy-without-no-jeans.

**Jessica: **We also don't own sister act or D.N. Angel (So find another reason if you want to sue us!)

Till next time!


	3. Who am I? part 1: Hosts and Candidates

**Who am I? part 1: Hosts and Candidates

* * *

**

_**Info:**_

**whoever says/does something:  
**_/actions/  
thoughts_  
(some useless comments the writers considered necessary)  
**(some other useless comments the writers considered necessary)**  
announcements

* * *

**Jessica:** Mwhahaha! This is where the real story begins! Prepare for some serious bashing, cursing and laughing. Probably we will have to say some warnings from now onbecause of some….stuff.

* * *

_What happened last time:_

Esther gave up saving the day and decided to join with the dark and evil bad guys, chatting about… things bad, dark and evil guys and girls chat about. Yami's bad hair day got even worse and Kaiba fell down the toilet seat. Jessica took over Esther's saving the day part, but failed miserably when a psycho dude without jeans chased her around the set, accidentally unleashing the hidden powers of super fan 3000. So she started the chaos of: "Who Am I?"

* * *

_Jessica's sweat drop got even bigger. "It's the set of a gameshow, has plenty of stupid people to kill or brainwash and even more people with golden watches, necklaces and bracelets waiting to be stolen… I thought you might be interested in…"_

_She looked up, only to discover that they already left at the word "gameshow."_

_She sighed._

_"Oh happy day."_

* * *

Esther shoved the hostess of the show of her pedestal and took over the microphone. "Welcome ladies and gentlemen to…..'WHO AM I?'!" 

"What did she say?"  
"I don't know, couldn't hear anything!"  
"What! You mean they're having technical difficulties already! I thought the batteries of my hearing aid were empty…"

"Test 1..2..3… Can everybody hear me? Hello? HELLO!"

A tornado produced by Esther's vocal cords started ravaging the audience.

"Good! Now, Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to…..'WHO AM I?'"

All of a sudden some random guy in an Easter bunny costume started skipping through the studio while holding up: a sign that said "clap" and a bazooka.

Jessica + Yami Marik + Seto Kaiba + Yami Bakura were momentarily sitting on a leather "guest couch" while they were clapping like there was no tomorrow.

"And our first contestant today…He claims to be a former leader of a great, ancient sandbox, yet now lives isolated in a three dimensional puzzle! His hobbies are playing games and helping his hikari's gramps doing the laundry. His quote: "Rather a pineapple than a carr…" I mean "Let's Duel!" only then with some stutter effect that not even I am gonna produce."

The man in the Easterbunny suit saw the ending of Esther's first announcement as a sign to start throwing random things. For instance some knives at the feet of the audience with the word "cheer" engraved in the blade and the light at Yami Yugi and his restored candlehair.

"And…..He doesn't know who he is?"

The man in Eastersuit again held up: a sign with "ooooooh" and several pocketknives.

Crowd + Jessica + Yami Marik + Seto Kaiba + Yami Bakura started Ohhhhhhh-ing their brains out.

"Well, that's what the game's all about!"

After this Esther handed the microphone back over to the hostess and walked over to the "guest couch".

The hostess glared daggers at Esther and then came back with her toothpaste-perfect smile. "Tonight we'll have two special teamcaptains as always! Please welcome…Jessica and Esther!"  
_  
WTF_ was probably the first thing that came up in the heads of the just announced teamcaptains.

_Cool, total control! _was most likely the second thing.

The hostess grabbed a hat and managed mysteriously (read: loads of hand fluttering) to snatch out a note. "And the with joy overwhelmed team captain who will receive our special guest is..."

Esther prayed: _Not me, not me, not me, not me…_

The hostess shouted: "Jessica!"

Jessica showed the signs of a five feet sweat drop.

_Feel. The. Joy.  
__Well, at least he always wins his games. But now I have to listen to his megalomaniac laughter and quotes! O.O_

Happy as ever the Easterbunny was holding up: a sign with "cheer" and a Molotov-cocktail.

The crowd had absolutely no choice but to go wild. Though, this could also be because some fangirl found a picture of Seto in his trunks and was drooling all over it while screaming with the other zillion fangirls.

Our dear, for now nameless hostess was announcing the next contestant.

"This Youngman enjoys torturing minor people, and when he does this he does it BIGGGGGG. His favorite mythological being is a phoenix and this evil mastermind controls a dialect written in hieroglyphics. Audience, give it up for….the dark side of Marik Ishtar"

Easterbunnyegg held up: in his right hand a sign with "applause" and in the other a torch.

The audience went crazy and wild…again. Then the sprinklers went off, thanks to the Easteregg's torch, what let to a ruined picture of Seto.

The Easterguy quickly changed the sign from "applause" to "terrified and disapproving screeches and swapped the torch for a trenchcoat with the name Seto Kaiba in the collar.

Terrified to death by the trenchcoat some screeches were coming forth out of some mouths, other people were just too shocked to do anything.

Caroline, the name of our dear hostess, took out a bingo game and started rotating the handle. All of a sudden the circle motion stopped and a ball rolled out of the thing were all the balls were in. Caroline slowly opened the ball and shouted out the name of the team captain who would receive this contestant. "Jessica, my dear, Yami Marik will sit next to Esther!"

When the spotlights hit Yami Marik, the audience screamed blue murder, Yami Yugi glanced apathetically at Marik, and Marik glanced back with a neurotic twitch.

"And it's time for our next contestant! He is LONG! He is WELL BUILT! Hehasgotnotastewhatsoeverandisaniciclewithalightbulbforahead. He is KAIBA! Former (mind the several growls of Seto) champion Duel Monsters and owner of his own multibillion company! And oh oh oh, what's the word I'm looking for? Uhmm..sorry people, got a little bit carried away there. I meant: Who Oh Who is the happy teamcaptain who will get him in her team! And no, I'm not a cheerleader, I'm just overwhelmed with joy and happiness." Caroline took out a get-the-little-fishy-with-a-cheap-plastic-fishing-rod-that-has-a-magnet-sticking-onto-it and angled up an abominable pink fishy. "And it's…JESSICA!"

Of course the Easterman wanted to come in sight and held up a sign that said "OPEN THE DOORS". After the doors were opened by some members of the crew all hell broke loose. Fangirl-screaming, cheering, waving, and jumping for and on top of a VERRRY shocked Kaiba made sure our beloved CEO was at the bottom of a humongous pile filled hysterical teenage girls.

"Oops," Caroline said, "He must have a lot of fans." _/giggle/ _"Better pull this lever!"

And what was said, was done.

A trapdoor opened beneath the pile and everybody fell at least fifty feet down. A mechanical arm made sure our loaded bishie didn't fell into oblivion and swung the CEO on the seat next to Jessica.

"And on we go to the last contestant of the day! This youth has an exceptional urge to shock people and at the same time make them lose their minds. He's from top to bottom, from head to toe the ultimate masochist. He's longing for the twilight that will notify night has come. His favorite TV-shows are: Buffy the vampire slayer and E.R. I'm talking about the man with the coolest hairdo on earth and beyond! Audience, put your hands together for…..YAMI BAKURA!"

The spotlight moved to a screen with a silhouette behind it. All of a sudden a grating, monotone voice was bellowing through the studio.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are requesting you to please put away all your jewelry and to dress uncovered body parts, especially the neck. Under your seat you'll find a long, white, authentic Russian scarf (made in Russia) and a safe. We hope you'll have a splendid night and a safe drive home."

Bakura jumped to the screen and was desperately looking for any necklaces or bracelets, but received only disappointment.

Meanwhile the Easterdude was back in action. Unfortunately rheumatism struck, what let to no signs to be held up, but a button to be pressed in. A sign with "applause' lighted up while a roadie took out a flamethrower and knitting needles.

"OKAY! I think it's about time we start the show! The team that will play the first round is Jessica's!"

A huge video screen behind Caroline became visible that was meant to keep track of the scores.

"Okay! And here is…"

"WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR?" Yami Yugi, who flew up six feet, yelped.

"Excuse me?"

"We have to play for something!" the pineapple said. "It's no fun playing games when there's nobody in danger! I HAVE to save somebody, or else I can't play!" The little multi-color fruit gnome pulled out his contract and was currently heavily poking at the fine print. "It's all here in my contract! Read the fine print!"

_/Universal anime fall/_

"OKAY, okay! Uhmm…let's see…you will play for…A WHIPPED CREAM DESSERT!"

"Uhmm….Not exactly what I had in mind" >.O

"Hmmmm…How about Joey's life?"

"I can live with that" :D

After Yami's agreeing words the roof shoved open and a cage with the guy who made McDonalds rich was screaming inside of it.

"Ok, Yami, if you win, you'll get Joey as a gift, but if you lose…."

"We'll get him as our gift and we'll be allowed to set him on fire and to electrocute him!" Yami Marik finished.

"Hmm…" Yami considered. "That sounds fair enough! Let's begin!"

Seto Kaiba was fixating his irritated gaze at Caroline, but changed that to smirking as soon as he noticed Joey's cage that was momentarily placed above a pool with hungry crocodiles while a vast protest by Yami and loads of sadistic laughing by Esther, Bakura and Marik was hearable.

As soon as peace had returned Caroline thought it was about time to prepare Yami for his gamebaptism of fire. "Yami, you know you're up first. I assume you know how this part is played?"

"Of course I know! The only thing I have to do is to believe in the heart of the….uhmm… the… uhmm… button!"

/_Universal sweatdrop/_

"Ok…I think it's time for an intro. What the game is really all about is to guess the name on the sign that will pop up after you've pushed the button. In order to get the right answer you must ask the opposite team questions that they can only answer with 'yes' or 'no'. You'll have exactly ninety seconds to figure out who you are. The more seconds you waist, the less points you'll gain."

"I have to say…who I am…" Yami was stuttering with an unhealthy shade of white. "But…who am I? I mean…Who will I be? I don't even know who I am right now!" The unhealthy shade turned to lobster red and the little leprechaun who uses his hair as a brush to paint the fence of the my little pony princess was currently blowing off some steam, literally.

This all to great pleasure of Marik, Bakura, Esther and Seto Kaiba. As misfortune would have it, Jessica was seated next to Yami, who was clinging up to her.

"Jessica! You have got to help me! You have got to have faith in our friendship and in the heart of the…button! Please! The destiny of the world is in our hands!"

_rigggght…_ "I only thought Joey's life? But no sweat, we're going to win, as long as you keep believing in the heart of the ...button."

_We're doomed…_

With a confident attitude Yami walked over to the contestant's table with the pushable button. The pushable button made sure a sign came out, with the name of a person on it. When Yami tested this theory, he was startled so much by the flying sign that he fell backwards, to great pleasure of the opposite team on the other side of the arena. Sweatdrops appeared on the heads of the players in his own team.

"LETS SEE WHO HE IS!"

Name written on sign: Seto Kaiba

"And the clock starts ticking…NOW!"

"Ok, this question is for Marik: Do I know this man/woman personally?"

"I can't say yes or no to this question. Depends on your perspective." Mind the huge grin produced after this.

_He just wants to take Joey away from me, but I can't let that happen! The world depends on me! _

Meanwhile, time was ticking away happily as ever.

"My next question is for Bakura: Does the person who I am have special clothes, or does this person have a casual style like me?"

"This isn't a yes/no-question, but I'll be more than delighted to answer: casual like YOU!" On the side of the arena were we can find our fair share of bad guys was the conceptlaughing momentarily beingsuppressed AKA There were suddenly severe cold attacks.

Yami's eyes popped out and shot lightning. He checked his hearing aid to see if the batteries were empty and then blew up to the size of an elephant. "H-How dare you….HOW DARE YOU TO CALL ME A CHEATER!"

Please notice the pineapple's hair transforming into a Mohawk.

"Besides, you aren't asking yes/no-questions either!"

After hearing Yami accusing him, Bakura's coughing fit went up another level and so did his partners'.

"And I can't concentrate with Joey screaming because of those freaking alligators beneath him," Yami pointed out.

"STOP THE CLOCK!" Caroline shouted. She beckoned to aim the cameras at Joey and his cage while the crew hung the cage 10 feet further. This time Joey was above a pool with nice little white sharks. "And were pushing the clock's play-button…NOW!"

"Okay, my next question shall be answered by Esther. Have I dueled against him/her? If so, do I want to be friends with this person?" And while the last word of the last sentence slipped out of Yami's mouth he realized he made a grave mistake. Could he even name one person whom he didn't want to be friends with?

"Yes and yes," the brunette with a huge grin answered. "By the way, you've only got 45 seconds left. Keep asking this kind of oh so smart questions and you'll win for sure!"

"Do you really think my questions are that smart?" Yami said, smiling happily at his loyal fan.

"Not the king of games, but the king of bakas!" Bakura reckoned.

The coughing fit meter that was placed on the table of the three psychos showed that level 5 easily got reached after this remark.

_His attempts to cough my precious time away will not work! _"YOUR ATTEMPTS TO COUGH MY PRECIOUS TIME AWAY WILL NOT WORK!"

"Thirty seconds left…" Esther said with one last cough.

Our dear CEO, who was kept a bit on the back for some reason, had been following the whole spectacle with pleasure, yet had still managed to maintain that apathetic glare. Jessica on the contrary couldn't do anything besides glancing while being extremely irritated with regard to Yami's clever remarks and questions.

Thanks to a wonderful thing that goes by the name of amnesia, our little pharaoh forgot that some people were making fun of him and went on with questioning as if nothing had happened. "Kay, this is another question for Bakura. Does this person have any brothers or sisters?"

25 seconds left

"Yes."

"That isn't true!" Marik shouted.

"No?"

"No…Not any brothers or sisters, but a little puppy who follows him around all day!"

"Yes!" Esther screamed.

Seto made him self noticeable for the first time in this gameshow by means of spluttering his glass of water out and changing to the color of a strawberry. "DON'T EVEN DARE TO SAY M…"

_**WHAM**_

Please take note that the 'WHAM' was produced by the Easter bunny suit wearing guy and his sledgehammer that hit the head of Kaiba.

"TEAMMEMBERS AREN'T ALLOWED TO HELP EACHOTHER!"

"Huh? Was Kaiba trying to help me?" our pharaoh with a height that doesn't even surpass the length of Tom Cruise his nose asked.

_Ugh… Yami should have gotten the leading part in 'Clueless'. _Jessica thought while checking if Kaiba didn't land on something hard. Unfortunately the studio didn't have any pillows scattered on the floor. As luck would have it, Seto first bumped his head on the pointy table edge before hitting the cold floor.

_Yughee… One of my team members has outdumbed his Chihuahua, and the other one is out cold. This will get us very far, _Jessica thought.

* * *

**Esther** /steps forth from the shadows/ With grave sadness I have to announce you people that this is the end of chapter three... So many questions must have risen in your massive brains... /chuckles/ But don't worry my dears this all will be answered in the next part! 

**Jessica:** Y'know, you always step forth from the shadows...I find that rather suspicious. Well, whatever. /shifty eyes/ Hihi I just wanna say this was fun translating /thinks of future chapters and is ROFL/ People, brace yourselves:P

**Esther:** Oh yeah, please do... Brace and buckle up cuz you're definitely in for some turbulence /evil grin/  
You think I'm suspicious, my sweet friend? That's one down... 6 billion to go...

By the way… That nose thingy. Something didn't fit (except for the nose in my computer screen) It was the fact that that little remark would mean Yami is taller than Kaiba! Excuse me, hun, but I don't see -that- happening for the next some millennia...

**Jessica:** I know, I know, my kind of impossible humor. On with the disclaimer? Or do we have to say something first that I completely forgot?

**Esther:** Hmm... Well, if my mind makes something up I'll throw it into the conversation, but for now no alarm bells are ringing...

**Jessica:** So the pleasure of disclaiming is ALL mine... People, pay close attention because the lawsuit you were planning will have to be cancelled. We do NOT own: The Dutch gameshow "Who Am I?", the anime "Yu-Gi-Oh", we don't have a blond hostess named Caroline either, we don't own the movie "Clueless" and we want to thank God, my parents and every other universal force that made sure we do not are/own/have touched/have been the lover of Tom Cruise's nose,

**Esther:** Or Yami's Chihuahua...

**TC's nose:** O.O PERVERT /wacks Esther with inflatable sledgehammer/

**Esther: **X . X

**Jessica:** I don't get that pervert part...

**TC's nose** /rolls nostrils/ Dah, you're no pervert...

**Jessica** /rofl/ bwahahaha, that's so twisted!

**Esther** /looks at TC's nostrils/ yeah and in more than one way...

**Jessica:** I feel like I'm on speed... WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Will somebody else do the claiming , s'il vous plaît?

**TC's nose:** ok, ok... I'll do... /sweat drops/

**Esther:** or should we say: snot drops/evil look/

**Jessica** /snot-erm-sweat drops/ look that's what I meant with having to warn sometimes in the future... YOU'RE GOING TOO FAR!

**Esther:** /angelic look/ sorry, can't help myself...

**TC's nose:** Ah well I'm used to the attention... Kinda like it anyway! So the claiming... Lets see... They own the piranha and shark pit, the Esther bunny guy,

**Esther** /death glare/

**TC's Nose:** Sorry, I meant EASTER bunny guy... and they own... themselves!

**Jessica:** Thank you, nose.

**Esther:** Oh my Ra I'm having Addams Family flashbacks here... /sweat drops/

**TC's Nose:** wha? well whatever... It's time to return to my rightful body before the poor guy has to smell something... Oh and they don't own the Addams family either/takes off/

**Jessica:** Ugh I HATE loose body parts. Well to all the good reviewers out there, please review /desperate look/ We only got one review for the last chapter /sad look/ SO PLEASE REVIEW

**Esther:** Yeah, PLEASE! Omg /gasp/ you've got ME begging! Me! This is serious! You don't even have to make 2 word pages... just one sentence is already ok... one WORD! So if fanfiction lets you... Even flames are welcome... /expects tons of flames from angry Yami and Joey fangirls (and several crashed Seto-ones)/ Oh and you know what's going to happen if you don't, right? XD /glances at scythe/

**Jessica:** Well lets get on with the review replies, will we? And since we forgot last time we'll also reply to the reviews on chapter one!

**Esther:** ALL CHEER!

* * *

_**Replies:**_

**SuzukaKinomoto** Well, We've updated! And yes, we agree a carrot would fit him better… /grin/

**Seto's sister:** Glad you like it! XD

**Carmen Takoshi:** E: Well, to keep a long reply short… /evil look/ It's going to take a long time before we've read the whole NOV fic. Please forgive us… Luckily I've got trusting parents. They know I'm plunging stories on the internet and they don't make too much of a deal out of it… (actually they don't know I've got contact with people too… ah well, lol Life's supposed to be social, ne?)  
J: Is the parent thing a silent gesture for: STOP WITH THE GODDAMN HUMONGOUS REVIEWS? If so, keep on dreaming. Short reviews aren't in my nature…at least not when I'm reviewing/messaging you. My parents don't know of my social contacts either. I guess the words PRIVATE BUSNESSare perhaps the words we're all looking for. I played Runescape too! But I stopped enjoying it. Esther got banned too...By her dad. Lol XD

* * *

**Esther:** Well that really was it for now! See ya /takes off hat and disappears in a poof of smoke/ 

**Jessica: **Stay tuned for more "Who Am I?"!


End file.
